Dogs know best
On November 29th, 2020, Robert Hatton and Hyrum Smith appeared before Judge Jeffrey Blackmun. The Bailiff, Rose Atwater, was asked to read the charges. “Your Honor, Mr. Hatton is suing Mr. Smith for assault, emotional distress, reimbursement of medical costs, and loss of income.”
“Okay. Let’s get started. Mr. Hatton. Please tell what happened on November 3rd.”
“Do you want me to take the stand?” Mr. Hatton asked.
“It’s not necessary. I can see that you’re still using crutches. You can give your testimony from where you’re sitting. Are you ready to begin?”
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Let it rip.”
“On November 3rd at 10:00 a.m. I arrived at the First Episcopal Church to vote. I was in line behind Mr. Smith and his dog, Bertie.”
“Is that Bertie sitting next to Mr. Smith.”
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Seems like a nice dog. Is he a cocker spaniel, Mr. Smith? The Judge inquired.
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Had one when I was a boy. Beautiful animals.”
“He’s my best friend, Your Honor.” Mr. Smith said earnestly.
“Doesn’t having the same type of dog as Mr. Smith disqualify you, Your Honor? Mr. Hatton asked.
“I don’t think so. I’ve had a yorkie, a golden retriever, and a standard poodle. I think it means I’m knowledgeable. This isn’t a television drama. Let’s leave the law to me. I’m guessing Bertie harmed you.”
“He’s vicious Your Honor. He bit me on the ankle and drew blood.”
“Stitches?”
“The doctors almost needed stitches to close the wounds. They applied those butterfly bandages.”
“And Band-Aids?”
“I had to change them regularly. The blood soaked through a few.”
“I see.” The Judge responded. “I suppose that’s why the dog is in a kennel.”
“That dog is dangerous.” Mr. Hatton spat.
“We’ll see. Please continue with your story.”
“I was discussing the candidates running for President with Mr. Smith when the dog went crazy and attacked me.”
“You’re suing for damages?”
“I haven’t been able to sleep. I sit for hours in front of the television watching the news. I’m afraid to speak to strangers. I’m afraid they’ll have their dogs attack me.”
“You missed work?”
“Yes, Your honor. Three days.”
“You’re also requesting that Bertie be euthanized.”
“Yes, Your honor.”
“Okay. I think I understand your complaint.”
“Mr. Smith?”
“Yes, Your honor.”
“Are you ready to tell me your side of the story?”
“Yes.”
“Let it rip.”
“Everything Mr. Hatton has told you is true. We were in line at the church to vote when Mr. Hatton engaged me in a conversation I didn’t want to have.”
“About what?” The Judge asked.
“Mr. Hatton felt that it was important that I know that the Republican candidate has a terrible record on the environment and that global warming will be the death of us all.”
“Is that true Mr. Hatton.”
“Yes, Your honor.”
“Continue Mr. Smith.”
“I told him that I don’t discuss politics. He wouldn’t stop. He proceeded to share with me that the wildfires in California are a direct result of global warming.”
“Mr. Hatton?”
“Yes, Your honor. The wildfires are a direct result of global warming.”
“Please answer my questions without the rhetoric.”
“It’s not rhetoric your honor. Global warming is causing the forests to burn.”
The Judge looked at Mr. Hatton and nodded slowly. “Please continue Mr. Smith.”
“He then proceeded to tell me that the rich have benefitted immensely during the last four years, that there are record numbers of people in poverty, and that millions of children go to bed each night hungry.”
“Mr. Hatton?”
“That’s correct Your Honor. The policies of the current administration have shifted enormous wealth to this country’s richest families and millions of people have fallen below the poverty line.”
“So, what Mr. Smith is sharing is correct?”
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Mr. Smith, continue.”
“Mr. Hatton then shared with me that our country needs a minimum wage of fifteen dollars an hour, increased funding for our schools, and reparations for the descendants of slaves.”
“Mr. Hatton?”
“I said those things. My candidate will do all of those things and more to undo the historically unjust policies of this country.”
“I’d ask you again to simply answer the questions without commentary, but I have a feeling that’s not possible. Mr. Smith, how long did Mr. Hatton continue to engage you in conversation?”
“Fifty minutes, Your Honor.”
“What did you say to Mr. Hatton?”
“I asked him politely to stop talking to me. He ignored me at least a dozen times.”
“Because you disagreed with what he was saying?”
“No, Your Honor. Some of what Mr. Hatton said I agree with. Other points I disagree with. I didn’t share my thoughts or opinions.”
“Did he stop?”
“No.”
“Did you raise your voice or make a threatening gesture?”
“No. He assumed that I disagreed with him because I didn’t say anything.”
“Mr. Hatton, why didn’t you stop talking to Mr. Smith when he asked you to? It sounds like he politely asked you a number of times.”
“I have a right to express my opinions. The Declaration of Independence affords me the right to free speech. I just heard an expert on CNN explain in detail...”
The Judge interrupted. “That’s the Bill of Rights, Mr. Hatton.”
“It’s what the man said on the CNN show with Chris Cuomo. I’m telling you what I heard.”
Bertie suddenly became agitated and pushed against the metal of the crate. Hyrum Smith leaned toward the cage and whispered a word to the dog. Bertie quieted in seconds. The Judge looked at Smith curiously before asking his next question.
“Anything else Mr. Smith?”
“Mr. Hatton explained to me that many lives would have been saved if the government had required a nationwide mask mandate and if the President had closed the borders earlier.”
“Mr. Hatton?”
“If the President had acted sooner…”
“Please stop, Mr. Hatton.” The Judge rose his hand and his voice. “Please. Just answer the question.”
“It’s true what he’s saying. I said those things. Tens of thousands of lives could have been saved if we had a national mask mandate.”
“What was your reaction Mr. Smith?”
“I politely asked Mr. Hatton to stop talking to me.”
“Mr. Hatton?”
“People need to know what’s been done so that we can make changes through our votes.”
“How long did this go on?”
“Fifty minutes.”
“You could have stepped out of line.”
“I had already waited fifty minutes to vote. I didn’t want to go to the back of the line. I was hoping that he would stop.”
“Did you give Bertie a command that caused him to bite Mr. Hatton?”
“Not exactly. Bertie senses when I get agitated. She very protective. Instead of her acting on her own, I use a command that tells her when it’s okay to defend me. She chose to bite him. As I now think about it, the terms I use are too general.”
“What is it?”
“Chris Cuomo.” Again, Bertie became agitated and Smith whispered a word into the kennel. Bertie quieted within a second or two.
“Mr. Smith, I am troubled that you chose the name of a television news host as your attack command.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor. I almost never talk about politics and I never watch the twenty-four-hour news networks. Using his name seemed benign and random to me.”
“I’m curious. Why that name?”
“Because if you talk about politics, politicians, or you give your political opinions, then people think it’s an invitation to express their political opinions ad nauseum, just like they do on the news networks. Those talking heads don’t know when to stop or how to tell the truth. They are like rabid dogs. They can’t control themselves. It just made sense to me that I use the name of one of those newscasters when I want to allow Bertie to act aggressively.”
“I understand from the affidavits in front of me that Bertie is an emotional support animal.”
“That’s correct. She helps me to control my emotions.”
“How were you feeling before Bertie bit Mr. Hatton?”
“I was agitated.”
“How did you feel after Bertie bit Mr. Hatton?”
“I felt better.”
“I think you’ve misunderstood the purpose of an emotional support animal Mr. Smith.”
“Your Honor.” Rose Atwater interrupted Judge Blackmun. Something she never did.
“You know I don’t like to be interrupted.” The Judge returned his attention to Mr. Smith. “I find it troubling that you’ve trained Bertie to attack persons who express progressive or liberal views.”
“Your Honor.” Rose Atwater interrupted again.
“What is it?”
“I think you need to see the next case. It’s William Munday vs. Hyrum Smith.” The Bailiff handed the Judge a file which he perused quickly.
“Mr. Smith. Did Bertie also attack Mr. Munday on November 3rd? Was he a liberal or a progressive?”
“No, Your Honor. He’s a Republican.”
“Can I assume he wouldn’t stop talking to you about politics and what he heard on Fox News?”
“Yes.”
“Was one of Bertie’s attack commands Sean Hannity?”
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Case dismissed.”