Tommy, Johnny, and Bumble - Foghorn leghorn
By Roger Arsht
December 14, 2020
“It’s a conspiracy. The Democrats cheated,” Tommy ‘Big Nose’ McGee shouted for the tenth time that morning. Johnny Perkins, his long-time checkers opponent, desperately sought to change the subject from the Presidential election to anything else. Fortunately for Johnny and everyone else in the barbershop, eight-year-old Evan Roberts, his father, and his dog Magoo entered the shop.
“What a beautiful dog,” Jane said to Evan. “What’s his name?”
Al, Evan's father, fielded the question. “His name is Magoo.”
"Like the cartoon character Mr. Magoo?” Jane asked.
“That’s what we named him.” Al shared. “The dog, however, is nothing like his cartoon namesake. Magoo is graceful, fast, and incredibly intelligent.”
“Wasn’t Mr. Magoo nearly blind? The guy comically blundered from one embarrassing situation to the next. So why Magoo?” Johnny asked, looking at Evan.
“Evan rarely speaks," Al finally explained. "The dog is named Magoo because Evan likes repeating, ‘Oh Magoo, you’ve done it again.’ It’s that simple.”
“Why that quote?” Johnny asked. “The Looney Tune cartoons were made decades before he was born.”
“We don’t exactly know,” Al shared with the group. “He watches lots of television. The only thing he will verbalize are a few lines from the cartoons he watches. He especially likes Looney Tunes. That Mr. Magoo quote was the first thing he ever said, and so we named the dog Magoo. We thought it might encourage him to keep talking.”
“Do the doctors know why he says so little?” Bumble asked.
“Nope. It’s a mystery. They hope it’s something he will grow out of,” Al added.
Jane helped Evan into her chair and draped her barber’s cape around the young man when Tommy brought the election debate back to life. “There’s something about the Dominion software. It just doesn’t smell right that Biden did so well in the swing states and especially in the big cities in those swing states. I don’t know when this election will be declared over. To be President the votes must be tallied and certified, and the electoral college electors must be seated. You can’t have only one.”
Before Bumble or Johnny could respond, a young voice piped in. “You are ze corned beef, and I am ze cabbage. The corned beef is nothing without ze cabbage,” Evan said, replete with a French accent.
“What did he say?” Bumble asked.
“That’s from a Pepe Le Pew cartoon. I’ve never heard him use that one before.” Evan’s father shared excitedly.
“As I was saying,” Tommy continued. “Even Republicans in the House and Senate are throwing in the towel.”
“All right buttercup, you ‘ave done all zat could be expected. You ‘ave resisted your natural impulses and run away from me,” Evan said as simply as if he had asked for a lollipop.
Johnny whispered to Bumble, “That’s also a Pepe Le Pew line. I loved that stinky character.”
Bumble was the first one to understand what was happening. He cleared his throat and coughed to keep from laughing. Tommy pushed forward ignoring the fact that every head had turned toward Evan. “Not one single court has stopped the process even for a few days to see if there was any malfeasance,” Tommy said angrily.
“Hold on thar, Baba Looey! I’ll do the thin’in’ around here, and dooon’t you for-git it!”
Jane raised her eyebrows and mouthed the name Quick Draw McGraw to Bumble and Johnny.
“Elections are the bedrock of our Republic. If we no longer have confidence in our electoral system, then we are doomed,” Tommy boomed.
“Sufferin’ succotash. Black-balled again!”
No one wanted the back and forth to stop but they also didn’t want to openly laugh in Tommy’s face. Instead, they kept mouthing the name of the quoted character to each other. Johnny was the first to answer with Sylvester.
“Anyone trying to influence the outcome of an election should be jailed.”
“El Kabong!”
There was a moment of hesitation as everyone other than Tommy tried to associate the quote with the right character. Eventually, Bumble blurted out, “Quick Draw McGraw’s Alter-ego."
Tommy looked up from his loud musings to see what the laughter was all about. He couldn’t discern what was funny about a cartoon character’s name, so he continued. “I don’t think you appreciate the importance of this moment in history. If this election isn’t overturned, then we may never have another legitimate one.”
“Pay attention to me boy! I’m not just talkin’ to hear my head roar.”
Al whispered, "Foghorn Leghorn."
By now there was no stopping the laughter. “The state legislators should seat new electors whose votes reflect the will of the voters.” Tommy just went on.
“He’s about as sharp as a bowling ball."
Jane was laughing so hard that she accidentally cut Evan’s bangs crookedly.
“Fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency,” Evan said to Jane in a perfect Foghorn Leghorn imitation.
By this time, Tommy had stopped his rant long enough to figure out that the eight-year-old was making fun of him. “Your kid thinks he’s funny,” he said to Al.
“Maybe it’s time we go. How much do I owe you Jane?” Al asked.
“This one’s on me.” Jane said while wiping tears from her eyes.
“Heavens to Murgatroyd,” Evan said in his best Snagglepuss voice.
Before Evan and Al could make it to the door, Bumble stopped them. “Maybe I could buy you two lunch. I’d like to learn more about what makes your son tick.”
“That would be great,” Al responded.
“Picanic baskets may be delicious on the lips, but they're a lifetime on the hips!” Evan said to the overweight Bumble replete with a Yogi Bear impression.
“Maybe another time,” Al said politely. “Maybe we should just exit stage left.”
After the door to the shop had closed, Tommy shared with everyone that he hated wise-ass kids.
Bumble sought the right words. “That kid’s no wise-ass. He’s a savant.”
“People used to say I was a savant,” Tommy said proudly.
“You're more mixed up than a feather in a whirlwind,” Bumble said before he left the barbershop for the Laundromat.